At Wits End

I would love to paint y’all a perfect picture of motherhood but thankfully God has granted me the inability to do so. I will never be able to portray my kids or my roles as ‘perfect’. And while, I am trying to find joy in all my moments not just the big picture stuff; Satan is basically trying to plow me over with a bulldozer. 

The house is in disarray after I spent hours yesterday picking up toys, cleaning bathrooms, folding clothes, vacuuming every crevice of my house and so much more. Today, it looks like a drunk rock group came into my home while I was away, turned up the music, smashed some guitars, jumped off the furniture, ate/drank straight from the cartons, and literally trashed the living spaces. 

My oldest child, while having gotten the privilege to participate in his first gymnastics class proceeded to tell me how much he “doesn’t like anything” when we got home for lunch. I understand when my kids are tired but disrespect, ungrateful hearts and meanness won’t fly in my house no matter how tired one might be. *Hold on to that sentiment, it’ll come back to bite me, HARD!* 

After some time-out he chose to spend ‘rest time’ not resting and when I took his books away because he could not quit coming out of his room to disturb his sleeping brother, he began to throw a tantrum (another sign of his tiredness) and blow his snotty nose into his blanket! Aggravated is the best word used to describe how I was feeling in those moments.  

I’m tired too! And not to mention I have 10 different things to do that fall under my “responsibilities” for ministries I lead in as well as home duties. “Why can’t I just get some time to myself!!” I demand. I stomp. I boil. I resent. I throw myself an adult tantrum: less flailing on the floor, more hardening of my heart. 

I try to teach our kids that disrespect is not ok but I don’t always show them the same courtesy. And what to my surprise (although I shouldn’t have been) when I opened my bible app. The verse of the day, Galatians 5:22-23 “But the fruit of the spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.” I don’t think I had much of any fruit in my basket today. 

I was not full of love toward my kids because I wasn’t getting what I wanted. I wasn’t showing kindness or gentleness when I raised my voice or thought entitled angry thoughts. My self-control was not in good use when I slammed the door. Everything, really was lacking on my part. I chose to disobey my own rule “tiredness is no excuse” and went on to make it mine. 

There are days, sometimes many, that we feel like the world has teamed against us and nothing aside from gravity is consistent. Well, the world does lack consistency and when I look to others instead of God for my pick-me up I will be failed. When you look to your kids to comply so that your desires may be satisfied, you are in for a great deal of disappointment. When I look to the world for the way things are “supposed to be” I am going to fall into jealousy based on the misconceptions that I’ll see. 

I’m lifting my eyes to the Lord today & I pray that you will too. When you feel complacent with your life or angry and those making it ‘difficult,’ look to God. Turn away from Netflix or Instagram or even away from your kids and focus on the one who created you. Look on and ask for help submitting to the wonderful traits of the spirit.