You Are Not Your Past

I was told no one would ever love me. And because of my sexual abuse I believed I was too tainted and broken to love. So when I first got into a relationship with my now husband, I was clingy and co-dependent and wanted him to be my Savior.

Sean is the one who truly introduced me to God and it was at his little church that I learned Jesus is the son of God. I know, a white girl in a suburban school smack dab in the middle of Bible belt America and I had NEVER been evangelized to. And we say the church is fine.

God placed Sean in my life at a time when I was suicidal and looking for any way to have to stop covering up my heartache with jokes and a goofy personality. I was so ashamed by the sexual abuse. I was ashamed of my family and home. I didn’t want people to know how broken I was in fear of the lies that I’d been told, “No one would ever love me.”

I am thankful for my husband who shows me every day that I am, in fact, no more broken than him or anyone else. But I’m more thankful to the Lord who wrote my name on the palm of His hand, who wove me together in my mother’s womb, who authored my life and defined my worth.

It took me time to not place all my worth in what my husband or other people thought of me. And now I found that the goofy, weird side of me can coexist with the serious side. I can be both silly and honest about the hard things. Also, I know that following Christ and trusting His word doesn’t make my life easier and sometimes I still struggle with wondering if I’ll be seen for who I am or if I’ll just be a stain of the past in everyone’s eyes. But God is good. He reminds me that regardless of what anyone says or thinks of me, it’s His Word that holds weight.

I pray you’d hear today that you can come out of the cocoon of shame and guilt and live in an abundant life full of grace and hope that God has laid out for you. I pray you will listen to God’s good word about you and invite Him to reign supremely over your life. I pray you will not let the past define you.

Photo by Karina Vorozheeva on Unsplash