Forgiveness After Testifying in Court
Four years ago on this day; it was a Friday. Friday the 13th to be exact. I didn't sleep the night before. I sat in the courtroom with what felt like pterodactyls in my stomach. I looked around at the strange faces I'd never seen and wondered, "why are you here?" Three friends, my husband of 3 weeks, and my boss all surrounded me. My hands trembled as I listened to the ADA discuss the what-ifs. The guard opened the door and my eyes flooded with tears. I was terrified. I wanted to run. I wanted to leave the courthouse and never look back. But I made a commitment. I had to testify against my perpetrator. Four years ago I was asked to testify and account for the whereabouts of my fugitive uncle for the past two decades. Two days after I filed additional charges in my home county.
I can remember vividly every moment from that day. I remember which button on the elevator I pushed and how I thought, shamefully, to myself that everyone would know where I was going. I remember the waiting. The case was postponed from morning to a late afternoon hearing. I remember eating lunch at Cosmic Cafe with my husband trying to make small talk, but I don't remember a single part of our conversation that afternoon. I remember vividly the questions asked and staring at the court reporter typing every word spoken. I remember his face, his remarks, his demeanor. I remember the tremendous relief I felt when the judge gave him the max punishment. But I also remember not feeling any great weight lifted off me after that sentencing. I was still angry.
And while I'm reminded of the hardest day of my life thus far. I focus more deeply on the events that happened afterward. The softening of my heart. It was before my next trial, I can't remember the exact date, I chose to forgive the man that stole my youth. I don't remember the date exactly because it has been a daily struggle and a daily reminder. Forgiveness does not mean I will never be angry, sad, hurt, confused, or lonely again when I recall those years of abuse. Forgiveness does not mean that everything is ok and what happened doesn't matter. Forgiveness does mean I do not have to hold onto the bitterness, the rage, the shame and the guilt. I can go forward with my life instead of being stuck in neutral.
I praise God that my stone heart was removed and I received one of flesh (Ezekiel 36:26). My healing has not been completed and I still hurt. However, if I had not started the process of forgiveness I may have been pulled deeper into depression when he pled guilty for a lesser punishment for the crime committed against me. 10 years ago, I wanted revenge. Going through the process in the judicial system has opened my eyes that nothing will take away the pain except for the healing love of Christ.
I don't share all of this to gain your pity. In fact, I say all of this as an act of encouragement. We all fail. We have all been hurt. We all desire forgiveness. We all must extend forgiveness. Forgiveness is not a prerequisite to be a Christian. Forgiveness is not some hocus pocus saying that will make you feel better immediately. Forgiveness is hope. Forgiveness is a future unlike the one you would have burdened with anger and resentment. Being a follower of Christ means practicing obedience, which means choosing to forgive regardless if they are sorry.
We cannot forgive only when we feel like it, because the truth is we may never "feel" like it at all. This is a daily choice for me. I am not perfect but my heart is full. My struggles with anger and depression are real but my God is good!
Rejoice
