Is Marriage Hard?
Let me start by saying that you will NOT find advice anywhere in this post. I have been married to a great man for 4 years and boy do I have something important to tell each one of you. If you are newly married, about to get married, considering marriage, or just dream of marriage some day down the line then I have something very important to tell you; Marriage is Hard! First, you might think: "Duh!" But before you roll your eyes and act like you know everything in the world just remember and really let those three words sink in. I wish I had. I wish I had really and truly listened. This does not mean that marriage is bad. This does not mean that I am regretting my marriage, because I absolutely am not.
However, marriage is harder than I thought initially. Does God promise happiness in marriage? Certainly Not (1 Peter 12). Does God promise hope and happiness in Him? Absolutely. I have to prioritize God over any aspect of my life, including my husband. Sean and I started working hard on our marriage about seven months ago in a great ministry called re|engage. Walking through the doors of this ministry I was absolutely positive that my husband needed to make some serious changes. It wasn't until several nights later that I was walking through the doors feeling convicted to change myself.
Change... that's a scary word. It's not so much that either of us needed to stop being who we are but that we needed to draw closer to who God asks us to be. That meant, for me, changing my critical spirit. While my heart is soft my tongue is sharp. I realize afterward the damage that I have caused through the words that I use. I am quick to humble myself and admit my wrongs but I am slow in extending grace or forgiveness to others, especially my spouse. I am slow to listen and quick to become angry and the Lord himself would tell me I have James 1:19 backwards.
No one wants to admit they're wrong. And no one wants to change. Especially when we live in a society that boasts in "be who you are." This is not the way I have come to know Christ. This is not the way I have experienced the fulness of God's love and grace for me. If I stayed in my naive, close-minded ways of who I was I would have never gotten married or I would never have made a marriage work. Who was I? I was selfish. The world says we have to be to get what we want in life. But what is it you want in life? A great job? Financial stability? A big house? To be happy? Well you won't get the latter by focusing on the former. Money and material are all things that can be swept away, torn down, stolen, lost, or broken. Happiness will not waiver if it's focused on the Truth.
The Truth tells us, that we will have pain. We will have struggles. We will suffer. "For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us," Romans 8:18.
Marriage is not easy. Marriage takes a lot of work. You can't change your spouse, only God can do that. It's time to turn your energy from nagging to praying. And turn your praying for his change to praying for your heart. While God is doing mighty things, you may not see the results in a day, a week, or even in this lifetime. You will find peace. Our marriage is not perfect. It never will be but our communication is turning a corner. I am remembering to love Sean not for who I desire him to be but for who he is right now. I am focusing on our relationship more because it's the most important one our kids will ever see. We are our children's first example of resolving conflict, communicating effectively, loving wholeheartedly, forgiving, extending grace, showing compassion, and offering kindness to others.
Our marriage has never been "bad" but it's never been as good as God says it can be. And while Satan does not want us to draw closer to God, it's inevitable that our marriage will have some hard hits coming it's way. Because the best way to shake a relationship with the Father is to break a relationship with a brother. And so, it's better now to learn skills to combat the evil one.
Marriage is a team. It's you and your spouse and God is your coach. Sometimes you're on the court together making goals, winning. And sometimes God benches one of you for a little while and the other has to work solo on the court. It might feel like a lost effort. You may be yelling at your teammate to hurry up and get back in the game or yelling at the coach to hurry up and give you some help. Be patient. While you're sulking because the game got harder or feeling unloved and uncared for your opponent, Satan, is racking up points left and right. Sometimes one has to work harder. Sometimes the coach doesn't bench you but you decide, out of your own free will, to take a water break. While you're leaving your team in a lurch, God is still the coach. The mighty one still has the ultimate plays in His book and He's guiding your spouse in those ways. God is providing strategic hope for that spouse left to defend the team alone knowing full well you will come back to the game refreshed. We have to be strong in our coach to be strong for our team.
Marriage is hard, but the reward is worth the risk.
