In The End

After hearing the shocking and incredibly sad news about Linkin Park frontman Chester Bennington my heart is immediately overwhelmed with grief.

What many of you do not know is that I struggled with suicidal thoughts most of my life, even since I was a kid. It is not currently a struggle and has not been on my radar for a very long time but I can empathize.

I understand having the thoughts, even ones out of nowhere, about how difficult your current situation is or how little you are needed or wanted in this world. If these are your thoughts, if this is where you are today please reach out rejoicefulcrow@gmail.com or seek professional help.

The solution to end your life is never ok. It might end pain and nagging voices in your head but the pain doesn't go away, it merely seeps into someone else's heart and the voices grow louder around them. The daunting, "why." It just doesn't evaporate. 

When I was six, my uncle introduced me to pornography and began grooming me for nine years of sexual abuse. But worse of all he conditioned me for many years to make me believe that he was God. Now I never remember actually believing he was the creator of the universe but I did have enough fear inside of me to believe that he was bigger and more powerful than anyone else. And he made sure to tell me that too. 

Needless to say, this false idea of who God is bred a deep hatred for anything religious/spiritual/etc inside my heart. I found myself often curious about this church place the kids at my school were going to and perhaps that's why they had friends. But, I also knew I didn't want any part of that. 

I would like to say a person who commits suicide is far from the Lord, but rather it’s that a person is not trusting the Lord in that moment of desperation, fear, or anguish.

And you can’t always see it. I was 16, just had a great time with a friend, it was spring break and I had made plans with another friend for later that week. But when the doors shut and I sat alone in the silence of bedroom, I recalled all the secrets that kept me up at night. I fought with the words: “you’re worthless,” “no one wants you,” “you’ll never amount to anything.” Things I’d been told, led to believe, to keep me submissive.

Typically I would have numbed my hurts and stuffed anger with music like "In the End" by Linkin Park and many others thinking; "I've tried so hard, but in the end it doesn't even matter." I actually wrote that on the walls of my closet. 

That particular day, I didn’t believe there was any reason left to live. And it goes to show, that there aren’t always indicators many weeks or days ahead of time. I began to write a note on my computer and moments (literally minutes) later I got a text message from an unknown number. **Spoiler alert, it was my husband!**

I came to finally understand who God truly is, His nature and His goodness. That’s not to say that depression and dark thoughts will never haunt me again but if they do, I pray I submit to Christ. I pray the same for you. The enemy has come to steal, kill and destroy but Jesus had overcome all of this. He can help even you.

When you're scared, broken, feeling alone or unworthy it's not easy to decipher another way out but in those moments it’s a response only to self. It’s a realization that self-sufficiency will not heal or resolve the lies and thoughts that the enemy has strategically laid. It’s in this weakness that the Lord is made stronger.

I am heartbroken that some people will never understand the name of Jesus or even know His all-consuming love. This ordeal has proved to me that it will never matter about money or fame but having a relationship with a Counselor, Savior, Redeemer, Healer is better.

Mental and Behavioral Illnesses are products of a broken world. I can take heart knowing that when the King comes these problems will be erased and each one of us will have a renewed mind and body. I share all of this with you in hopes that if you are struggling with some really tough thoughts or difficult problems there are people to talk to. There are places to go and people who want to see you get help. You never ever have to suffer alone. Suicide Hotline is available for anonymous help.

You really aren’t alone. There really is another way out. I think about how different many people's lives would be today had I chosen to ignore that text message. I don't say that to be narcissistic but standing for my life back then has given me the great blessing of standing boldly for the lives of my children today. 

I would just add: in the end if you try hard enough regardless of how far you end up; your life will absolutely matter to someone.