Twenty Nine

29

And feeling fine.  

But I mean I would hope so; I’m only 29!  

Tonight, I write to you surrounded by the sound of my four guys sleeping soundly in west Texas, in a tent, in the rain. I never thought I’d utter that sentence ten years ago!  

10 years ago I was a flaky, young adult trying to hold my head above water and grasp hold of my surroundings. Obviously, 19 is a lot different than 29 and truly that can be said about any 10 year age difference. However, the things that God has now done in my life would have sounded absurd ten years ago! 

The hope I have now is due to a bold God. The one that created the dripping rain over our heads and caused a scene so mysterious, so extravagant I simply marvel at it. A bold God who loves fierce, forgives unconditionally, and pulls us out of the muck and mire. 

I spent a long time identifying with that swamp water I was standing in; “I deserve it,” “No one will want me,” “This is as good as it will ever get,” “I am worthless.” God called to me through the broken pieces and even when I chose to ignore Him He kept mending my heart. 10 years ago, I gave my life over to Christ. I still tried to cling to control and demanded to do things my way, but God always found a better way (even when it didn’t seem better in the moment). I had finally proclaimed publicly my love for Christ but I had a hard time always trusting Him. And truly, it’s still an area I have to daily remind myself. Ten years ago, I just wanted something good. I didn’t know if God would give me something good (again, at times it didn’t feel good) but I had no other avenues to explore. I could have fallen further but I didn’t want to fall anymore. I was tired of living my life meaninglessly. He gave me meaning. He gave me worth. He showed me my true identity. 

It took a while, and to be honest, I still fall back into false identifiers. I still resort back to sinful anger. But I can look back over the last ten years and see all the good, all the pits and all the triumphs and I can give glory to God. I can rest assured in the name He gave to me.