Drowning in Denial
There I was, knee deep in denial about my sexual abuse. All around me was murky water, deep and immersive, filled with lies, betrayal, pain and shame. Like sinking sand, the more I tried to wiggle free, the more I felt as if it were rising up around me.
I was aware of the swamp but in denial about actually being stuck. I believed that while it was all around me, even apart of me, I was unaffected, untouched by it. This is called denial. You see it, you hear it, but you don’t acknowledge that it plays a role in your life in any possible way.
Even when I decided to attend a sexual abuse recovery group at my church, I was in deep denial. I knew I needed to drain the pool but there was no way it was leaving lasting effects on my life (or so I believed). I would sit in group week in and week out assuming I would gain some type of gratifying healing through osmosis. Everyone else was sharing but I wouldn’t speak.
But then, out in the distance when fog began to lift, I got a glimpse of a dry and fruitful shore. Seeing the possibility ahead of me I became angry. I came to the realization that the overwhelming stench around me really had compromised me.
I had expected to magically levitate to the far off sandy beach without doing any work myself or looking to someone more capable than myself to get me there. I could not get out of the muck and mire alone.
And that’s where Christ came in. I was a believer by the time I entered into recovery for the first time but I was gripping so tightly to the lies and shame of my past that I could not fully trust my Savior to actually save me. I had to address my mess. I had to accept where I was, what was around me, how it was seeping into my every pore and affecting every part of my life before I could accept Christ’s promises for healing.
But in the midst of my pain, Christ came to me. He walks on water.
He held out His hand and waited. And gosh darn, He waited patiently because I am one stubborn woman. When I finally accepted that I needed His help, He was there ready to pull me from my despair and breathe new life into me.
I found that when I began to open up and share my story other women related to me. My story wasn’t too ugly or too shameful. When my words began to flow, the truth was found. Deep down under all that darkness the truth had been hidden but Christ is the light. He helped me excavate the lies and replace them with His Word.
My encouragement to you, if you are sitting where I’ve once been: start sharing. Slowly, find someone you love, someone who loves you, someone you trust and share a little part of your pain. See what happens.
Find a support group to dig into the hurts caused by your sexual abuse and allow God to guide you through recovery. God can do anything with or without you. Wouldn’t you rather be a willing participant so you can bask in His love and glory?
You can do this.
And if you cannot find a support group please email me at rejoicefulcrow@gmail.com for information on an upcoming online support group.
