Abandonment Recovery

As if being human isn’t hard enough, throw in trauma and baggage and you’ve got yourself a real freak show. 

(side note: everyone will experience trauma, no one is terminally unique.)

Lately, I’ve experienced a lot of emotions rooted in feelings of abandonment. No one has left me but I still struggle with those feelings which in turn come out as people-pleasing. 

I have struggled (some days I still do) with the strong need to be liked by those close to me.

I was left by two mothers. I was emotionally abandoned by my only father. I desired connection. My uncle took advantage of this desire and abused me for 9 years, and then he left too. He took what he wanted from me and left me with a shell.

It’s no surprise that abandonment issues are deeply embedded in my soul.

I struggled to fill my shell with relationships that wouldn’t leave me empty after a little while. Friendships were lost, some on account of my own actions, others on account of moving, and even others by their own will.

Anxiety played a huge role in how I managed my relationships. I lived every moment in fear of the next person detaching themselves from me.

Anxiety still rears it’s ugly head in my relationships as I worry who will like me or who will run screaming. Thankfully adulthood has brought with it people who have reached levels of healthy stability in which mind games aren’t necessary and clicks do not exist (this does not apply to all adults, unfortunately).

Even more, I’m thankful I found the one relationship to fill me up that will never leave me empty. I found a relationship with Jesus Christ.

Instead of emptiness, I am usually filled with joy and a dependence on Him instead of how others view me.

But sometimes, I wander. Sometimes, I lose focus and become distracted. When this happens, I revert back to the constant struggle of seeking approval from friends and family.

Last year was a year full of hard work on deep-rooted issues in my life. I was tested. I was brought to breaking points in my temper and in my relationships with others. Some, stuck around and supported me through it, some walked away, and others were never there in the first place. Man, did I feel unwanted.

But John 3:16: “For God so loved the world, He gave His one and only son, so that [I] would not perish but have eternal life.”
Talk about being WANTED!

Past/unhealed trauma can often force your brain to believe everything is a fight or flight situation. For me, my fight is so strong others fly faster than I can wave ‘bye’.

But I am reminded that I was made by the Creator of the world and I don’t need approval for that.

I am on an upward journey to please others less and accept people for who they are and, more importantly, where they are in their journey.

Recovery is never easy. But if you believe you’re in it alone, let’s have coffee. You’re not alone in anything.